Thursday, October 4, 2012

Carry On

Today is one of those days when it takes a lot of reminders that there will be a time I don't feel like this.

Not that the feeling will ever be what it was...but it won't be THIS.  Yes, I talk a good game.  Yes, I've told you we're doing okay.  Understand that okay is relative.  The holidays are coming.  The anniversary of Dad's diagnosis. 

Powerlessness isn't a feeling I like.  Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me I need to learn to live with it.  Well, today the universe can kiss my ass.

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

I bought new shoes the other day.  Mizunos.  The early verdict is in, and I love them.  What I love more is the new spendy socks.  Not a blister.  It's nice to run and be able to think about things other than my feet.  Still,  I skipped a run this morning because my head and my heart were tired, and I think too much when I run, and I wanted to lie there in the dark and be there when Spidey called out to come to the Big Bed so that I could drink in his little-boy smell.  I'm finding myself more discombobulated now that I haven't put my feet on the pavement. 

So I met up with some friends
At the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
About how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

I want to carelessly get into a car and throw the windows open and play the music so loudly I can no longer hear the thoughts in my head.  I want to sit with a stack of books, closing one only to immediately open another.  I want the water in the shower to be so hot it leaves my skin red.  I want silence.  On the other hand, I want to be around all the people who temporarily make me forget.  And all the people who knew him, so that I can talk about him freely.  I want to stop crying for two good Goddamn minutes.

I want to run, and today I cannot.  Because it would be for the wrong reasons. 

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come
We will find our way home

There are two fun races coming up.  There is a little boy anxiously awaiting his fourth birthday ("Mommy, when I am four, I will eat gum.").  There are plenty of opportunities for me to get out of my head.  Maybe for the moment I'll need to be content with wiping my face, pouring another cup of coffee, and going out to buy some shoes. 

Carry on.

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